status post
by Kale12
Summary: the anatomy of a breakup
1. Chapter 1

_day 1, status post breakup_

Everything hurts.

How is it that she keeps forgetting that? That heartbreak actually, physically _hurts_. There's just a crushing void in the center of her chest, and maybe if she takes short, shallow breaths, maybe if she just curls up and tries her best not to move, maybe if she could just stop crying –

_day 2 (morning), status post breakup_

It's ok. She's surprisingly calm, really. It's better this way – they tried it out, and now they won't have to wonder about it anymore, and she can move on, and-

_day 2 (evening), status post breakup_

She has never, ever been more thankful for her girls.

They don't exactly live the Sex and the City life where they can manage a standing brunch date, but when she sends out an SOS text (_setting my apt on fire bc i keep finding his shit_), Gwen and Maggie and Alex (who was always weirdly supportive of Mindy-and-Danny) are all there within the hour with a rainbow of wine bottles.

Crying with them feels safe, and hopeful somehow, because they've done this before, countless times, when any one of them was knocked out with a broken heart. They know the script; they know to alternate the tough love and the sympathy, and whether the situation calls for chocolate, hugs, or tearing up photographs. They do this ritual over and over, and the heartbreak always goes away eventually, so she just needs to trust that it will work this time, too.

She feels sad for a moment, because she thinks about Danny, and that Danny doesn't have this to fall back on, and then she hates him all over for making her feel sorry for him when this was all his fault in the first place.

_week 2, status post breakup_

The worst days are the ones where she starts off feeling normal. She wakes up, has her coffee, and manages to psych herself up with her 'Badass Babes' playlist (Beyoncé and Britney, mostly). _Easy-breezy-beautiful_, she thinks, before stepping through the door of Shulman &amp; Associates, and she is all of those things for the fifteen seconds it takes for her to make hurried, painful eye contact with one Daniel Castellano.

Things generally go to shit after that.

(Un)fortunately, she's got a lock on all the best semi-private places for secret crying in the building (fourth floor janitor's closet, fire escape next to the taxidermists' office), so she has a good cry, calls Gwen and makes her promise that everything is going to be ok, fixes her makeup, and heads back to work until the next fresh wave of hurt.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

_week 3, status post breakup_

She forces herself to do things again, and it helps, a little. As always, after a breakup, she catches up with all the people she's inadvertently ignored during the relationship. She calls her mother, makes a point of meeting up with friends, and promises herself not to neglect them again with the next boyfriend. She organizes her apartment, attempts a P90X video that Rishi illegally downloaded for her, and even catches up on charts.

In short, she feels good enough to say 'yes' when Danny asks if she wants to hang out.

She _knows_ this is not going to end well. She recognizes the tone she uses when she lies to herself – _we can be friends! It's not weird! _But she lets him come over anyway, and she lets him kiss her again, and when he pulls away with regret in his eyes and the beginnings of an apology, it's herself that she hates.

_month 2, status post breakup_

She's the first to meet Peter's new girlfriend, and spending the evening watching him be goofy and in love makes her happier than anything else has in a really long time.

"So you really liked her?" Peter asks her the next day, as they polish off coffee and éclairs in the lounge. She can't help but be inordinately pleased that he's seeking her opinion, much less her approval, and thinks that his unexpected friendship may be the best thing to come out of her ill-fated office romance. She's never really managed to have a truly platonic guy best friend – all her previous friendships went the way of Harry Burns – and with Rishi so far away, Peter makes an excellent substitute brother.

"Peter, I _loved_ her. She's spunky and sweet, which almost no one but orphans and Reese Witherspoon can really pull off, and she's getting me a really sweet Lululemon discount without me even having to drop a single hint. And she's super into you, which I don't totally understand, but to each her own," she teases, holding up her coffee mug for a clink.

Peter can't keep the grin off his face. "Yeah, she wants the 'P'. By which I mean Peter. But could also mean peni-"

"Ooo-kay, moving on."

"You know you like it."

"I'm still trying to figure out why Lindsay likes it."

"Who's Lindsay?"

They both look up to see Danny hovering awkwardly near the table. Mindy recovers first, and with a quick glance at Peter, answers brightly, "Just one of Peter's friends."

"Actually," says Peter, clearing his throat, "she's my girlfriend. She's pretty awesome."

It's as if all the air has been sucked out of the room. She's torn. She's so proud of Peter for stepping up, but she can't even look at Danny, can't help but compare the situation to their own. It's clear that they're all thinking about it, from the slightly challenging stare Peter's throwing at Danny, to the latter's inability to meet either of their eyes.

"That's…that's really great, man. How come we haven't met her yet?"

"Mindy's met her," Peter says nonchalantly, and she can't help but feel a little satisfaction. "I'll bring her around sometime."

They all go back to work after that.

_month 3, status post breakup_

The thing is, she wasn't actively settling out to replace Danny, and she never in a million years thought she would be replacing _Danny_ with _Peter_. But 'replace' isn't quite the right word, because what Danny was to her changed, and it's really that Peter stepped into the gigantic friendship void that Danny left behind.

Because he did leave it behind. He shook up what they had and made it something new and old and wonderful all at once, and that's just not something that goes away.

She's tried to be his friend, she really has. She feels like she owes it to him, somehow, even though Gwen always shakes her head gently when she tries to explain. But hanging out outside of work always ends the same way, with desperate make-outs followed by abrupt, awkward exits that tear her up inside.

Work itself is just weird. She's lost the compulsive need to tell him everything. To be honest, she rarely wants to tell him anything. He's already got so much of her, and it all still feels so raw. Giving him more of herself just seems unbearable.

_month 3.5, status post breakup_

Danny starts dating Sally, and so she fucks the next guy she goes out with.

The sad thing is, she doesn't even like him all that much. They met at a Trader Joe's and he was explaining the difference between quinoa and couscous and she was totally distracted by his mouth. She never figures out the difference, but she ends up in his bed anyway, because he's tall, blond, and kind of granola, and therefore does not remind her of anyone else in the least. Anti-Danny gets her out her clothes and there's a part of her that knows that it's all wrong, and she doesn't want this, not like this, but she doesn't stop, just pretends to come and tries to fall asleep.

_month 4, status post breakup_

She keeps hooking up with Granola, because she's nothing if not a glutton for punishment, and Danny finds out, because there's only been one semi-successfully kept secret in the history of their practice.

Danny is _livid_.

There's a screaming match in her office that only ends when Morgan literally douses them both with a bucket of cold water. Jeremy sends them both home - separately, and escorted by "a more responsible member of the staff". Danny shakes Morgan off and does a pretty respectable storm out, but Mindy appreciates having Peter walk her home, even if she isn't really in a state to make conversation.

She's on the floor of her apartment for what seems like hours, drinking wine coolers and wondering which of the friends she went to medical school with would be most likely to make the memory eraser from _Eternal Sunshine_ a real thing. When Danny knocks on her door at 2 AM, she's not entirely sure it isn't just a memory.

He grabs her as soon as she opens the door, kissing her hard, and despite the empty bottles on the floor, she knows it isn't the wine that's rushing straight to her head.

"Danny, I-"

"_No,_" he says sharply, and the way his mouth descends on hers is almost savage. Her arms hurt where his hands are clenched around them, fixing her in place so that everything else seems to spin.

His lips trail down her neck, biting at her pulse point, hard enough to leave bruises on even her dark skin. His hands leave her arms and for a second she's unmoored and out of focus and just plain lost until he touches her again. She hones in on the heat and pressure of his hand on her back; he's slipped under her blouse and she doesn't think she's craved anything as much as his skin against hers. She doesn't protest when his fingers tear at her clothes and slip inside her, or when he pushes her down on the couch and finally, finally sinks into her. She thinks she might have to live the rest of her life on that single, gorgeous moment, because there's a sour taste rising in her mouth, and this is even worse than sex with a stranger, because this is a man she loves and they are doing this for all the wrong reasons. It feels so good and so breakable, and she doesn't realize she's crying until Danny stops abruptly.

"What's wrong?" he asks, hoarse and desperate.

The words don't come at first, she just shakes her head over and over, until they burst out of her, "I'm not yours, Danny. I'm not yours. I love you so much but I'm not yours anymore."

She's crying too hard to see the stricken look on his face. She doesn't look up to watch him leave.

* * *

Angst is delicious. I might continue? Haven't decided.


	2. Chapter 2

_month 4.5, status post breakup_

In some ways, things get easier after that night.

She and Danny never talk about it. Or at all, really. She would probably have some sort of negative feeling about it if she wasn't completely numb, but she's not really all that interested in feelings these days. She just sort of drifts through the day, polite and distant and a little bit empty. Usually at this point after a breakup she'd be romanticizing it, pretending she's a grief-stricken war widow who's vowed never to love again, or embracing her role as a strong, sassy career woman too independent to need a mere man, but she's too tired. There's nothing elegant or interesting about the emotional clusterfuck her life has become – she just wants it to stop.

_month 5, status post breakup_

"They broke up, you know," Peter tells her one day over lunch, at a little Chinese place that they discovered during a drunken quest for cheap noodles. She pokes at her lo mein and wishes she could pretend not to know who he's talking about.

"When?" she asks, finally.

"Couple weeks ago."

"And you're just _now_ telling me? Peter!"

"Chill, girl. I just found out, ok? I don't know if you noticed, but Danny and I don't exactly shoot the shit anymore, and Sally…" he gestures helplessly. "We don't talk about this stuff."

"Then how'd you find out?"

"She's heading back to Florida. Said there wasn't anything keeping her here."

"Oh my god. Does she hate me?"

"Sally? Why would she hate you?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just the small matter of _sleeping with her boyfriend._"

"She's a little pissed, yeah."

"Jesus."

"But I think she gets that she basically stumbled into a hot mess. Give her a week and she'll probably just be glad she got out when she did."

"Do _you_ hate me?" she asks, and the honest confusion on his face is a relief.

"Why the hell would I do that?'

"I screwed up your sister's relationship."

"You put a fucked up hookup out of its misery."

"Aren't you even a little mad at me?"

He puts his fork down and looks her in the eye. "Should I be?"

She bites her lip and looks away. "I didn't mean for anyone else to get hurt."

He reaches across the table to grab her hand. "And that's why I'm not mad. You tried to stay out of it. Besides," he sighs, idly bending the tines of his plastic fork against the table, "Sally's fine. She goes hard and fast and then she gets bored. And she definitely doesn't have the attention span for a guy who's stupid in love with some other chick."

She can't help the little leap that her heart makes, but she can certainly hate herself for it.

_month 6, status post breakup_

The taxidermists throw a party, and it's basically her worst nightmare.

She's there with Peter, which makes it nearly bearable, but the fact remains that she's stuck in close quarters with four exes.

"Peter, there's no way I'm making it through this night without alcohol."

"No can do, Minty Fresh."

"Why do I like that you call me that? I should dislike it severely. I want to dislike it severely."

"Coming up with sweet handles is kind of my thing. Just ask my frat bros."

"It's totally going to be my rapper name for when Rishi and I take our show on the road."

"The first Indian-doctor-rapper duo? Yeah, that'll get you guys at least a spot on Fallon."

"That's all I'll need. So, who can we safely talk to?" She asks brightly, trying her damndest to look anywhere but at Short, Dark, and Broody near the punch bowl.

Peter rolls his eyes. "Nice try. He's still dead to me. Cliff?"

"I'm still dead to him. Midwives?"

"Um, Deslaurier might still be a little PO'ed about that whole ballet thing…"

"Oh my god, we're either going to have to find a new building or make friends with the taxidermists."

"I'll craigslist tomorrow. Wanna grab some cheesecake bites and hit the dance floor? "

"Obvi."

So it's not her _worst_ nightmare. They dance, they meet the advertising firm from the second floor ("On a scale of 1 to Don Draper, how much do you guys really drink?"), and if she overhears Deslaurier and Cliff making snide comments about the all the men in the building she's gone through, well, she'll beat them to a bloody pulp during tomorrow's workout fantasy.

Her Danny-sense is still finely honed, so she manages to successfully maintain at least a ten foot distance between them at all times. He keeps trying to catch her eye, though, keeps starting towards her as though there isn't a gaping emotional chasm between them. It makes her angry, because the last thing she wants to be is available.

"Hey, Min. Dance with me." Danny manages to catch her by the refreshments (they have the tiny sausages, ok?) and it takes all she's got to choke off the little surge of happiness that goes through her. He's so beautiful. She's always known that, academically, but looking at him sometimes makes her think of the summer she spent in Italy, surrounded by marble sculptures and vibrant frescoes and realizing that art could be felt, even if she didn't understand it. Danny's her David, arresting and untouchable, all at once, and she wonders which of her gods is laughing at her now. Probably all of them. She should really find a temple.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Danny," she says slowly, and it's one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do, because it's so tempting to let him just sweep her away.

"But you'll dance with Peter." It's the exact wrong thing to say and she can tell he realizes it by the way he tenses. "Fuck," he swears. "I didn't mean it that way. It's just…really hard to watch you."

"Watch me what? Watch me have a good time without you? Did you think I was just going to be a sad sack loser crying in a corner when you're around?" she spits out. She's getting disproportionately angry, she knows that, but she's been so tightly wound that she can't control it.

"No! Of course not," he says, reaching out to touch her elbow.

"Don't touch me!" People are looking at them now, and to her horror, her eyes are watering.

"Min, I just want to talk," he pleads.

"About what? What could we possibly have to talk about?"

"I miss you."

She doesn't say anything to that, can't say anything, really, so she turns on her heel and walks as calmly as she can out the door. She's outside on the sidewalk before the wind hits her and she realizes she left her coat, but when she turns around Danny is waiting on the stairs, gripping the railing like a lifeline.

"No," she says firmly, before he even opens his mouth.

"I didn't –"

"No, Danny," she says again, and her voice is trembling. "I don't want to do this."

"I broke up with Sally."

"I don't care."

"I want to tell you why."

"Danny, I really, really can't do this right now, ok? You and I? _Toxic_. Like, hole-in-the-ozone, nuclear-waste-in-the-ocean toxic. I'm not doing this right now."

"Then when?"

She throws her hands up. "I don't know, Danny! Maybe months ago when the things we said to each other actually meant something." She takes a deep breath. "You used to make me so happy, Danny. Just by being there, and I don't feel that anymore, and it kills me that I don't. I'm just sad and tired and I want to go home, ok? I'm going home."

"Ok," he croaks, and doesn't move.

The door swings open and Peter steps out, Mindy's coat slung over one arm. He squeezes Danny's arm once and shakes his head before reaching Mindy and draping the plaid material around her shoulders.

She should feel better about walking away. Danny doesn't move.

* * *

I'm a monster.


	3. Chapter 3

Sorry, guys (if, in fact, anyone is actually still invested in this). Finished this on Archive, and completely forgot to update on ff.

* * *

_month 9, status post breakup_

She agrees to meet Akash because Indian mothers don't play when it comes to guilt and grandchildren.

He's thirty-five, and he does some sort of finance thing that's she never going to care enough about to try and understand, but she lets him explain because he's passionate about it, and that's something she'll always appreciate. He likes jazz and the Wall Street Journal, plays ball with his buddies on the weekends, and can make a pretty mean chicken tikka masala (something that she herself has never mastered). He watches just enough MSNBC to keep up with most of her pop culture references, and she's dated enough Brooklyn hipsters to not only debate the relative merits of IPAs versus stouts, but to be able to suggest a hip little microbrewery as a second date.

It's an easy date. He's an easy person to be around.

_month 10, status post breakup_

"So how's Raj?"

"…not his name, Peter."

"Kumar?"

"You went to medical school. How are those the only two brown names you know?"

"They aren't the only ones I know. Just my faves."

"Bullshit. Gimme another."

"…"

"Are you kidding me? I have a brother! You guys hang out!"

"Whatever, he's still Raj in my head."

"Ugh, whatever. So his name is Akash, and we've been on four dates, including last night when he took me to a jazz show – at which, I might add, I didn't even want to kill myself. Maim, maybe."

"Props."

"He calls once a day, texts just enough to be attentive without being super velcro, and we're like a foot past first base."

"I'm waiting for a 'but'."

"That's the thing! There is no 'but'. It's like this guy read "Dating for Dummies" and just really committed to it. He's…predictable."

"You mean boring."

"I mean safe. It's not like we don't have things to talk about. There's just not a lot of spark. No spice, you know? Which is kind of ironic 'cause we're both Indian."

"Hey, Mindy?"

"I don't know, it just feels too easy. Like, he's got to have a few skeletons in his closet, right? Maybe actual skeletons? And why haven't we had a fight yet? It's been almost a month, doesn't he like me enough to start trying to change me?"

"Mindy."

"Kidding! Sort of. It's all so calm and that's so weird."

"Mindy!"

"What? Jesus, stop yelling."

"Dude. Seriously. Rein it in for a second, 'kay? I'm going to throw something out there, and I need you to just hear me out and not react. You've been in a lot of terrible relationships. Like, a lot a lot."

"Hey, now!"

"Seriously?"

"Ok, yeah, fine, they were shit. Carry on."

"They're all super dramatic and you're crying or yelling or stomping around the entire time you're with these dudes and maybe you're starting to think that this is how it's supposed to be."

"…keep talking."

"You get stressed out and you think that feels right, but maybe it's just because it's familiar. Maybe this thing you've got going just feels wrong because you're not used to the healthy adult stuff that everyone keeps talking about."

"Oh my gawd."

"I know."

"I think I need to lie down now."

_month 12, status post breakup_

Akash proposes, and she says no.

Ok, so that's not quite what happens.

What he does is ask if she could see them having a future together, and so she picks a fight and storms out, and her feet somehow take her straight to Danny's door.

It takes her a full five minutes to knock. Her arm feels too heavy, but she can't seem to will her feet in the opposite direction.

She doesn't remember knocking, but she must have, because suddenly his door is open, and there he stands, the last in a line of men she's wanted without reason or limit, and still somehow apart. So real and jagged and full of wasted potential that she wants to scream, wants to fix him. She's always wanted to fix him.

He blinks once, and then shrugs. As though it hasn't been months since she's shown up at his door. "Wanna come in?" he asks, a little hoarse, a little quiet.

"There's a man in my apartment," she starts.

"Mindy, please," he cuts her off, expression pained.

"No, listen. You owe me this." She takes a deep breath, steadies herself. "There is a man in my apartment right now. I don't love him, and he doesn't love me, but I think we could get there."

He sighs. "So why are you here, Min?"

"Because I don't know what I did wrong. I still don't understand what I did to lose you. And I don't think I'm going to love him the way I love you, and I don't know if that's good or bad."

Danny reaches for her hand and he's trembling ever so slightly. "It's a good thing. It's a really, really good thing."

"Danny-"

"Go home, Mindy," he says gently. It takes the soft click of the door to remember where she is.

_month 14, status post breakup_

Peter and Lindsay have a barbecue, and it's surprisingly fun. She brings Akash and they hold hands and there's a normalcy about that she hasn't quite gotten used to. It's nice, though.

She sees Danny in the crowd, but doesn't go up to him until she sees him leaning against the deck, pulling out a fresh pack. She'll never admit it to anyone, but she's always sort of liked the smell of cigarette smoke. Not the stale, dusty odor of seventies furniture, but newly exhaled, fresh from contact with blood and lungs.

"When did you start smoking again?" she asks, reproachfully, even as she takes a small sniff.

Danny turns from his spot against the railing. He has the decency to look a little ashamed, though she's not sure if it's due to the smoking itself or at being caught. He shrugs, and moves to put it out.

She thinks she might stop him, for a second. Might let him have his cigarette at the end of a long day, a long year, really, because that's what's it been. But the words don't reach her mouth and a Danny dead of lung cancer is never going to be a good thing, no matter what ills she's wished upon him.

"Having a good time?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yup. Peter just figured out Akash is a former beer pong champ, though, so I may never see him again. Oh, did little Danny like the One Direction poster?"

"Yeah, thanks for the tip. The look on her face was totally worth it."

"Is she coming up to visit anytime soon?"

"June, actually. We should all hang out, maybe catch a ballgame. She'd love to see you again."

"Oh my god, I can't wait. I'm totally stealing her for sleepovers and RomCom 101."

He laughs, and she can breathe again.


End file.
